It’s about time that I wrote another post… I’ve been saying that for forever. I didn’t even document my marathon training journey in 2021 on this blog (probably because I was too busy filling in the paper diary and uploading posts to insta). I can see that my last post was about a talk I gave in May 2021… well, the last couple of years have flown, eh?! The last few months haven’t though.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I led a tutorial on the two lectures I normally give for our second year BSc Sports and Exercise Science students each March. Last year, instead of two in person lectures, I shared pre-recorded content and then ran a ‘flipped classroom’ open session – online. This year, the same content was pre-shared, but I was able to go in person and I was very excited about that and seeing our students again!
So, motivation… here’s a post that I wrote some years ago, when I gave my probably second or third lecture on this topic. Doing it actually motivated me, back in 2018, to adherence! I had managed to keep a steady track of running about 20-25k weekly for 3.5 years, after years prior of stop-start, stop-start, and reflected on this in another post and again here.
I was doing well, and continued running through lockdowns too, which really helped with my mental health, work/life balance and feeling connected and healthy. I had made running a habit. Rich Roll talked to James Clear about behaviour change, exercise going beyond motivation and being adhered to, recently. Not just about running. You can listen here. What really struck me was the chat about identity and becoming a runner… because you run, not for an event, but because that’s what you do, that’s who you are! I am a runner…
That’s what I’d done… I’d managed to establish it… and then, even though I said I never would, I decided to run a marathon. BECAUSE I WAS A RUNNER.
While I’d run several halves without training, just my own, personal runs that happened to last 13.1 miles (21.1k) because of some random thought that I might run one on a given day, it was a jump to listening to Chris Evans’s Breakfast Show on Virgin Radio that prompted me to buy his ‘119 days to go‘ book, set a date… 07 November 2021… and stick to the programme before eventually running my own, personal marathon of 26.2 miles (42.2k), alone.
I followed the training religiously. I recorded all the details of every run in my book (although I’m a quantified self, a return to paper vs. digital was different) and I didn’t miss one, despite easing COVID19 restrictions, holidays and fun stuff coming back in summer-autumn 2021!
I fitted them all in and I loved it. I had become a runner over the years and this was the ultimate proof of ongoing motivation and adherence – commitment to my runner identity. I listened to the ‘How to Wow‘ podcasts on my long Sunday runs in the run up to the big day and I proved, week on week, to myself, that I was physically and mentally ready! And I was.
I ran the marathon, setting off at just past 8am on that stormy Sunday in November last year. The winds were high and debris on the road, but I was chilled. I’d trained. I knew that I could do it. But then I fell. In the first mile. I tripped/went dizzy as I navigated twigs. I don’t know what happened, but it was fast. I thought I had just grazed my hands and knees and jumped up. A neighbour stopped (thank you) to check on me, seeing the whole thing. The ultimate proof of adherence was my cry, as I jumped to my feet: “I’m fine, I’m running a marathon.” And I did just that.
I completed, despite a changed route plan (involving a section of ten miles that I’d never run before) because of high winds and damage and conkers flying off my head, but it turned out that my fall had caused more damage than I had realised… or acknowledged. My mum had organised a ‘finish line’ with champagne and family. I cried, but I was high. On adrenaline. Clearly. Because, after stopping and being sprayed with champagne, I saw the damage… assessed the damage… felt the damage… stalled, sought advice on the damage from family nurses (thank you)… and then went to hospital (after unscheduled care triage). Turned out my right kneecap was exposed and that I needed washout surgery. So I became nil by mouth and laid in a hospital bed, unshowered, instead of having a bath in the hotel room I’d booked ahead of a celebratory meal! Oh well…
Having the op was fine, I was still high, my knee was cleaned from the inside out and it was all fine, fine, fine. I thought that a couple of weeks later I’d be back to how I was. The hospital physio who signed off discharging me – thanks to all the NHS staff who help us – said I would run again… so I guess I just thought it would be soon… especially because I felt no pain…
Nope…
I couldn’t walk because I couldn’t bend my knee until after Christmas 2021. I had denied the need for physio referral, because I was ‘fine’, but things weren’t going well. Not only had I not had my planned celebrations, but I went from running a lot, VO2 max highs, boom… to crash. It was, quite frankly, awful. I was a shell of myself. Totally dependent for everything. No driving. No walking without a stick/two or an arm and I was literally dragging my leg along until I could limp. But I made myself ‘walk’ every day. Set step challenges, shoe challenges and every challenge I could. Shower challenges to confront my marathon medal aka a f*ck off scar were interesting after 17 days of not being able to shower, and the fear… of falling again… was always there in life and in my dreams. The sad thing for me was that I had overcome falling in 2011 and breaking my ankle in four places, having plates and screws fitted, then losing weight, taking up running, stop-start, stop-start, then my adherence journey over the last 3.5 years… I’m pretty clumsy, but running was my strong.
Was.
So… how do you adhere to something that you’re motivated to do, but can’t? How do you overcome your fears to get back into running – when are you physically and mentally ready? At one point, I didn’t think I could ever be again. I took a lot of comfort from this article. Although targeted for ‘resolutioners’ as new years unfold, I felt it helped. Especially:
Even if you have fallen off the wagon slightly by the end of January, that doesn’t mean you have to give up on your goals entirely. But making some tweaks to them – and your approach to exercise – may help you better stick to your goals for the rest of the year.
I can now walk. I have a horrible scar. And a sticky out bone bit. But I tried running again three weeks ago and have been on four runs since. The main issue for me was the fear of falling, as sticking to my physio exercises had helped me regain mobility and function, even if the skin is tight every day and needs to be stretched. But I had to jump off the edge to face that psychological barrier. I decided to just do it, not make it a massive thing. I set a deadline by which I would have a go and then just whenever the thought appeared ahead of that date, I would run. And I did. One Monday night because I had the thought in the afternoon, drove home, changed and went for a run. I loved it, as much as I always had, it was there in me and I have now got it back. Got me back. But I need to make sure that I make the shift from motivation (desperation) to adherence and rebuilding my identity as a runner, not just proving that I can run again. I need to establish a new routine, make it pleasurable, still my identity, and still me… long term. The initial runs have been to prove that I can and am motivated, but I need a strategy… I think I’m going to use the marathon training days approach (maybe not the distances yet) to structure my running. It’s Thursday today and Thursdays mean running if I follow that plan. So, I’ve come to work in my running kit so that I can run afterwards (balancing coming back to the office and pre-clock change darkness and living rurally means planning ahead if I’m going to make this work!). I guess I’ll be running later… because I am a runner. But first, a talk on digital health for colleagues in Federal University of Technology in Owerri, Nigeria, which will take a similar format to one I did for the British Computer Society in 2021.
confessionsofafitnesstracker 